I have discovered that raising boys requires more attention than fathers expect. It is the father’s responsibility not just to have fun and adventures with their sons, but also to teach them the manly arts, especially of self-discipline.

My discovery about raising girls is that they require even more attention than fathers should give to their sons. I have discovered that the hardest part of raising girls that a multi-tasking dad is essential – a father who is able to watch his daughter  be a ‘girl’, help her find and learn about general activities and chores, and teach her about the physical world of boys.   You need to be as good at just being there while your young daughter endlessly sets and resets a bed for her dolls, as you are at introducing her to things like bush walks and gardening, or as you are at play-fighting with her, kicking a ball and letting her help while you make or mend something around the house.

I think the task of the Montessori father is to follow his daughter’s interests, but to also use his own knowledge to keep his daughter’s horizon of possibilities expanded.

So here are some examples of what I mean.

My youngest daughter Cashel, two and half years old, is currently exploring her world through her play. She constantly tells us that ‘I’m a girl’ and she often wants me to play the daddy in situations she sets up with Duplo, dolls, or the homes she makes out of various things around the house.  I am happy to do this. It is a more comfortable role than six months ago when she said she was the mummy and wanted me to play her baby and suck on a baby bottle! Which I dutifully did! With both my daughters I have happily joined their play and taken on roles as the ‘baby’ or ‘daddy’ and followed them around the house as we went to cafés, the shops or playgroup. Both girls were exploring and understanding their world by manipulating the roles we all play in it. My time with them in these role plays was important: to give them the chance to ‘control’ their world, to introduce language and different ideas and most especially to just be with them.

As a father with the task of following interests but introducing new options, I have integrated into ‘our’ play objects like toy cars and trucks. Cashel has taken to these readily and is now almost as likely to start with the car sets as the doll house. Or, while we are pretending to be mummy and daddy going to the café, I have introduced a passing fire truck or ambulance, and we ‘jump’ into being firefighters. I have to admit that Cashel quickly gets back to being in the café, but that’s her choice. My job is simply to ensure her horizons are as wide as possible.

I have also encouraged Cashel to engage with me in physical feats such as spinning and jumping, and she readily charges into the play fights I am having with my two eight-year-old sons. We all slow down our fight and let her be part of the action. She has become very adept at controlling her body – falling, twisting, balancing and even some basics of leverage.

My two other examples focus on my five-year-old daughter, Nea. Firstly, we have noticed that she likes doing indoor things with family or friends, not by herself. But we got some hints that she seemed to like outdoor things. There were big clues of course – like her week-long incessant requests for the family to go for a walk to Butterfly Creek, in the hills of Eastbourne; which we all did and had a great time.

I have used this observation of her interests to make a conscious effort, in the times when Nea was at a loss for someone to play with indoors, for her and me to find something to do outdoors.  She has taken a strong interest in our vegetable and fruit garden. Following this interest I have formally assigned Nea responsibility for the vegetable garden. We started with the tendering and gathering of vegetables over summer, and the replanting of the garden during winter for spring. On weekends I make a point of ensuring that Nea and I check out how the garden is going. We note how things are growing and the conditions that might be helping or hindering them.

I have also introduced Nea to soccer. She wanted to follow the footsteps of her brothers, so has started ‘Little Dribblers’ soccer. It has been my responsibility to ensure she really appreciates the physical and mental requirements of being in a team and playing a game, as well as the technical sides of kicking a ball.

I have to go outside my comfort zone in my role as a father of two daughters, but you can see how I have found ways of introducing what I know about life to both Nea and Cashel.

I am very comfortable about my daughters concentrating on being girls and women, but I believe it is my job to introduce skills and knowledge to help them both be confident and competent all-round human beings. 

Mark Blackham
September 2008

The summer break provided time to go slow; time for the kids to play uninterrupted, time at the beach and down time for reading.  This year Mark and I had to fight for couch space with our seven-year-old sons Fiann and Cared, as they curled up to read their own books.

It was a joy to see them buried in a chapter book – often reading late into the night and sleeping in the next morning.  Fiann became particularly involved in his books – often describing in great detail stories he had read.  ‘Mum do you cry when you read a sad story?’ He also discovered the feeling of finishing a book when he didn’t want the story to end, ‘I feel really sad when I get to the end of the book, and I want to know what happens next.’ So what has brought about their explosion into reading at this time?

I feel three factors have played a role in their reading development. First, going to a Montessori school where learning to read happened as easily as when they learnt to talk.  In their 3-6-year class the boys discovered that words were made up of sounds and learned the symbols for these sounds. By five they had begun writing, and reading happened throughout their day in various activities. They had lessons as they needed to develop their reading – but we never had ‘the reading book’ sent home and the boys never saw reading as a chore which had to be endured.

When they moved into their 6-9-year class both boys were more interested in writing their own stories or maths than in reading. Their teachers assured us that reading would come – they had all the foundations; it was just a matter of time.  And this is exactly what happened. Within their first term in primary they both raced through the reading levels to read well above their chronological age. For me this was a fantastic example of having faith in the children themselves and the Montessori Method.

Second, I believe their bedtime routine has helped foster an enjoyment of reading. When the boys were two years old we gave them a bedside lamp to give them more control of their bedtime. This developed into a quiet time, after we had read to them, when they would look at books by themselves, at their own pace.  We have heard all of our children using this quiet time to retell themselves stories; often old favourites that they knew well.  This ‘reading’ time before they turn their lights out has set up a pattern for life; an opportunity every day for them to just read, ponder, or look through books by themselves.

Third, Mark and I read. The children see us reading books, magazines, newspapers, letters, going to books for information, or using the internet.  We have also read to them everyday since they were babies, introducing a large variety of stories. We have stories on CD they can put on at their leisure, and their rooms have bookshelves full of books.

Being a reading role model and providing a home environment rich in language and reading is one of the best ways of helping your children become happy readers and not making it a lesson or chore that runs the risk of turning them off it altogether.

For Fiann and Cared the skill of reading has developed with very little effort and in response to their own interests. They found it opened up a whole world of information and imagination.

It is important to support your child and listen when they want to read to you, or need you to read to them. But the lesson from our family and the Montessori Method is to give children time to discover the joys of reading by themselves and before you know it you will be fighting for couch space to read yourself!
 

Sola Freeman
April 2008

There are times when going out with four children does seem daunting. But more often than not outings as a family are enjoyable and well worth the effort. And no matter how tough it seems, it’s our duty as parents to take on this task. Providing rich experiences in the world outside does more for a child’s learning than watching TV or buying another toy.

In summer grit your teeth and get out and about, no matter what their age and stage. Communicate excitement and anticipation, not your worry. Know your children well so you can anticipate potential problems (such as food and sleep times). Right from the beginning we provided clear expectations of what behaviour suited each public situation.

Firstly, I discuss with the children – no matter what their age – the plans for the day. Knowledge of what is coming up gives them a sense of involvement and control. They will not simply be dragged\ from place to place not knowing why or what is coming next. Imagine how you would feel, bundled into clothes, into shoes and coat and into car, taken from car and strapped into buggy, arrive at destination, taken out of buggy, carried in, coat and shoes taken off and placed in a room full of other
people and faces that you may not know. Nothing has been said to you. The toddler’s response, to gain some sense of control, is often to cry, or whack someone.

I explain to them what will be happening in the places and with the people we visit – and what I expect their behaviour to be like in each situation.


For example, when planning to visit another family’s house we talk about:
• whose house it is
• that there will be food and they will need to sit while eating
• that the child/ren will probably have toys there to play with but they need to respect these toys and other property
• that the other children there may still be learning how to share or take turns, so they will need to be patient
• how they shouldn’t snatch or hit and if unsure of what to do to check with me
• we will take our shoes off, but it is best not to jump or climb on the furniture because that can wait until time at a playground
• when it is time to go I will give them a warning and then “no fuss” as this is rude and we probably won’t be invited back.

In the car on the way there I repeat the expectations and we reach an agreement that if they don’t do as expected then we will go home. (A nod or some noise of affirmation is sufficient for pre-talkers.) This is important and I still do it even when we are doing something we have done before. It means you have a deal and when you need to, you can go back to it . . . “remember we talked about how you need to behave here and you agreed, so if you hit again then we will be going home”.

It is VERY IMPORTANT after that warning that you leave if it happens again. Giving warnings is a waste of time if they know you aren’t going to back it up. I think I have only needed to leave an event once with each child. The same goes for that other common outing – visiting a café or restaurant. I explain behaviour beforehand, and enforce a “stay seated” rule while the food is served and consumed. The children order their food themselves. They are not allowed to leave the table until they have finished, and after that, they must confine play to a place which does not bother others.

Discussion and preparation for the child is vital. In addition here are other tips that can help. Tiredness and hunger tend to be the main reasons for a meltdown.
• Avoid doing major activities when everyone is likely to be tired.
• Provide an opportunity for a snooze if you need to go from one thing to another.
• Hunger is the most common reason for bad behaviour. Always have snacks and water available – they may not be needed but I find a couple of muesli bars in my handbag have saved the day a number of times. Anticipate the hunger ahead of time though. It’s usually too late to feed them at the time of the meltdown.
• A small first aid kit – plasters, Rescue Remedy and tissues are often required and mean any minor mishap can be sorted.

Organisation and preparation is the key. For example, we went for a family bike ride – we weren’t sure whether Nea, our three-year-old  daughter, would be able to handle biking the distance on her own so we took a rope. After a stop for lunch we started the return trip – the wind was against us and Nea found the going too tough. We pulled the rope out and used it to tow her behind Mark’s bike – the result was a lovely family day out.

The overriding principle in Montessori philosophy is that children can be independent and responsible. Our children usually prove this to be entirely true, but it is possible because we treat them as if they are. We include them in the plans, we clearly outline our expectations and hand them the responsibility for how the day goes (making the deal). Then you can relax and enjoy the outing, too.

Sola Freeman
June 2007

In my experience self-disciplined children are more likely to come from homes where there are consistent and clear expectations and boundaries, and parents who in their behaviour toward their children are warm, firm and constant.

The subject came up in recent discussions in our house about the ways we are guiding and responding to our youngest daughter, Cashel, one-year-old. With a busy household of four children we have found ourselves letting our expectations of Cashel slip.

Of of our four children, Cashel seems to be the most mischievous – a real little rascal with a grin and charm that is both endearing and very frustrating! Fortunately, a Montessori “normalised” household has meant the actions of all of us, especially Cashel’s siblings, has set the tone and manner. But we have remembered that the parents need to continually apply their expectations. That means maintaining the same level of attention and energy for each child.

So, we have resolved to reinforce the ground rules in our house. For example, the long-standing rule has been that eating only happens at the table. Cashel sits at a small table (or on a booster seat at dinner time with the family), so is able to leave whenever she wants. But when she might be hungry for a snack, the other children may well be still busy playing. This can be highly distracting for her, and the temptation to wander off to check out their fun with sandwich in hand is huge!

I spend much time reminding her to return to her seat or leave her sandwich at the table. Sometimes having me or one of the other children sitting with her helps – there’s nothing like social companionship at mealtimes. While I am finding this hard work at the moment, I know it is worth it, because I will not need to pick up or clean up food lying around the house.

Cashel began walking a month ago and is thoroughly enjoying her freedom. For the other children, the freedom and power they discovered was put to good use. Just like the others, we ask Cashel to use her new walking ability for things like taking her dishes back to the kitchen, putting things back on shelves or away and putting rubbish in the bin. On the other hand, having older children means we have to be more disciplined than previously about making sure the house is safe for her to explore. Our six-year-old son Cared  has the Lego in his room, so he and the others must remember to keep his door closed. And we all need to keep the toilet door closed!

Nea, our  three-years-old daughter and Cashel are sharing a room and so Nea has a special jewellery box for her treasures that can be kept up high. I want Cashel to have as much freedom and ability to explore as her older siblings did – but I also don’t what to spend my time following her every move or reprimanding her for getting into something that shouldn’t have been available to her in the first place.

The toddler years are a lovely time and they really are such charming creatures. But it is also the best time to lay down all the ground rules and expectations you
want to instil in your children. As toddlers, they are becoming aware of themselves and their effect on things and others, and so they respond to being involved in the
daily life skills that they see others doing. And reinforcing these means they will become life-long habits.

As the boys and Nea get older, we are seeing the very considerable benefits of our early work with them. They are often helpful and cooperative members of our family. I felt proud when my mother and I spontaneously popped into an open home with all four kids. The agent exclaimed to the owners that she hadn’t seen such wellbehaved children at an open home in such a long time! For me their behaviour was as it should have been – but it does raise an area of parenting – behaviour in public – that is worth another article.

We owe it to Cashel not to let our parental self-discipline slip, just because she’s the fourth child and we are getting tired! Parenting is an important task that requires much
discipline and concentration. It is hard work and exhausting, but every now and then we get a treat or pat on the back to make it all worth while.

Sola Freeman
March 2007

When you are up to your fourth child you would back yourself to have this parenting thing sorted – wouldn’t you?

We did! And for the first few months all seemed as it should. Then the personality of Cashel began clearly revealing itself. It turns out that she is the rascal – the child who does exactly what you have asked her not to, refuses to take ‘no’ as an answer, plays to her audience, and above all is a blonde charmer who tries (and succeeds) in getting away with everything she knows she shouldn’t do!

But we must be careful to split out what traits and actions are part of her personality and what is simply part of her natural childhood development. I certainly refuse to describe the actions as part of the “terrible twos”. It is a derogatory concept based on an expectation that children at this age will exhibit unsociable behaviour – which is what parents with that attitude indeed get. That has not been my experience with the first three children.

It was clearly time for me to go back to the wealth of science on the subject and remind ourselves what is going on for (almost) two year olds like Cashel. As always we start with some observations. Cashel is very bossy. She involves herself in everything that happens in the family and organises everyone. For example when we are getting ready to leave the house – she sets out everyone’s shoes, makes sure they have coats, and rounds them up like a ferocious sheep dog and gets them out to the car. Once in the car we all have to sit in our allocated seats and I dare not start backing out of the garage without my seat belt on. At the dinner table she orders everyone up to the table and demands we sit in our allocated seats and if anyone sits out of their usual place there is a great ‘to do’. This would be fine if it was done in a quiet, calm and
charming way. With Cashel it is conducted with yelling, occasional crying, and once, the Montessori-rare “throw myself on the ground” tantrum!

So let’s get onto why this yelling and demanding behaviour is happening. Very simply Cashel is in her sensitive period for order. Her brain has an absolute need and fascination for the patterns of her life. For some children this need for order is revealed through lining up their cars in an orderly row, or organising their toys in particular ways. For Cashel it is mainly in making sure the daily routines of the family are done in their usual way. So what can, or do we need, to do? Well now we have identified the why we can work on the how. For a start, understanding the underlying reason for her behaviour helps us be more forgiving. We can then help her use this skill constructively in other areas. Forexample, we can give her lots of responsibility for her own personal routines such as putting her clothes in the laundry basket when getting ready for the bath, finding her PJs, singlet and nappy to get dressed for bed, tidying up her work, food and play spaces, and getting her own gear sorted for going
out. I am encouraging her to choose a doll or teddy to take in the car. She can then gather the bags and blankets needed for it.

As it is with many things during childhood development, Cashel’s yelling is just an exploratory phase. The whole family needs to let her explore it but also show her the boundaries. We avoid yelling back at her, and encourage her to use her words or acquire some new ones and to use them calmly. As she gains more language skills, and the patience of her family, this need for order can be fully explored, and hopefully with less yelling!

December 2007

While I had the luxury of long, lazy days with our new babe, Cashel, Mark had time to observe Fiann and Cared over the summer holidays, and reflect on their move into boyhood. Dr Montessori describes four planes of development – 0-6, 6-12, 12-18, 18-24 years – and she likened the transitions between these planes to the changes a butterfly makes, each stage dependent on, but quite different to, the previous. This dramatic transformation is happening for Fiann and Cared as they near their sixth birthday; as Mark observed . . .

Unprompted, the boys used the long summer days and the sand, bush and suburbs around our beach house to fully extend their minds and bodies.
For the first time, they were out of sight and earshot, exploring and manipulating their environment. They made substantial huts, climbed trees, dug mountains of sand, and invented all manner of real-life role-play situations. Once a project of any sort was completed or perfected, and there were plenty of them, the boys would invite me to observe or participate. The first few creations showed me that now some of their work was very different, and had gained a far more serious intent.

For example, for the first five years Fiann has been the family klutz. Driven  by eagerness and physicality, he has always fluffed himself into various scrapes. So it was with a little trepidation that I watched him demonstrate his new “tricks” to me – they showed sophistication and physical prowess I didn’t realise he possessed. The tricks included standing on his stationary bicycle seat with one foot, lifting both legs forward over the handlebars between his arms, and steaming full tilt on his bike down a steep sand hill.

The most significant component of these though were forethought and practice – what I had seen was the product of something at the core of boyhood: taking physical risks, working out the limits of what is possible, and practising until it works. The wondering of what was possible also emerged in their use of the deeply potent single worded question: why? They began asking “why” and “how” about everything – but particularly about the physical environment, and about me.  It seemed to drive Cared to close involvement in my own work in decorating the bach. They have joined me in “fixing things” since they were two, but now Cared wanted to, and could, actually do some of the work. Most importantly, he took an active part working out how to undertake the jobs. For example, laying the flooring required measurement and thinking through the patterns of subsequent planks, and Cared proved adept at this role.

To me, this summer Fiann and Cared have happened upon a central part of being young, and, especially, being male. That is, to act on the notion that anything is possible, particularly with regard to physical interaction and modification of your environment. There’s only one way to learn responsibility, and that’s to be given it. They must climb trees, ride bikes fast with one or no hands, wade into frogladen swamps, wield sharp and blunt tools, and encounter the great variety of flora and fauna in the natural environment. Activities like these are generally incompatible with parents and households – they must be conducted outside, and with parents absent or, if present, either participating or silent. A parent’s role is to give tips that help them carry out the hair-raising madness: like how bikes work, how frogs develop and how to spot cutty-grass.

Observing what was going on, we knew what to do to help them this summer. By giving the boys space to enjoy the start of this transition, their exuberance rarely became anti-social, and they never felt a need to explore it when in incompatible environments, like other people’s homes. It is not surprising that this has started within months of turning six (and quite some time after they turned five). Montessori’s Planes of Development, including this transition at six years into the second stage of childhood, is clearly based on observation of real life. It is certainly what we observed this summer, their transition into self-awareness – both physical and intellectual.

When Montessori primary (6-12) classes start for them during this year, they will indeed start primary schooling at the right time.

Sola Freeman
March 2006